It’s January 5th. How many times have you failed your New Year’s resolutions already?
Sorry. That was really negative of me. But I’m usually that person, less than a week into the new year and already finding myself lacking in the areas I promised I would focus on. (I mean, chocolate milk and PopTarts are really difficult to pass up, let’s be honest.)
This year, I didn’t make a list of resolutions or goals. I have been making more of an effort in a few areas- like, washing my face every night and applying -WAH!- wrinkle cream. I’ve been doing a couple devotions (almost) every day and taking notes on my thoughts. And I’ve been trying desperately to keep the house straightened up and the laundry at least going at all times (but, let’s be real – that’s probably going to be the first to go).
What I wanted to do this year is something a little different. I want one word to define my entire year. Something I can work toward as an ultimate goal, reaching all parts of my life.
This year, my word is content.
So simple, right? Well, being satisfied with what I have is a battle I’ve always fought. And considering how much I have and how the Lord has blessed me, I’m pretty ashamed to admit how greedy and superficial I have been.
This isn’t to say I’m not happy. In fact, the last three years of my life have probably been the happiest of all my 28 so far! I married my husband, who I adore and who has been so good to me, I’ve had two ridiculously easy pregnancies (so far), and I’ve spent the last 15 months raising a daughter who has brought so much love into my life.
But I still find myself driving by that new house being built on my way to work, wishing it were me making all the plans.
I still pass a Suburban on the street and feel sorry for myself driving a 10-year-old vehicle.
And when all the other moms are going to play dates and story hours and The Pottery Place on Thursday afternoons, I find myself coveting their stay-at-home-Mom lives, and wonder why I can’t be there, too.
Never mind the fact that I have a job that allows me to be with my baby at all times, and yet still helps pay the bills.
Never mind the fact that I have a vehicle that I’m not in a grave of debt over, and still gives me all the room I need, heated seats and a DVD player (even if it literally never gets used).
Never mind the fact that I have a home that may not have our names on the deed, but provides us with a roof over our heads and so much more space than we could probably get a mortgage for.
I have so much more than I could ever need, and somehow, it’s still not enough for me.
But the thing that tears me apart is remembering where we were three years ago- ready to expand our family and having no clue if it would ever happen for me.
And here I am- Mommy to my Charlotte, with her baby brother on his way.
When I think about where I’ve been, and where I am, I feel guilty. When I think about all these things I covet from other people, knowing people personally who would gladly give up all those material things just to have a Charlotte, I fall apart. I have everything I want.
So, with tears dripping on my pillow in front of me, and snot running down my face (you’re welcome), I’m writing this with every single intention of letting go of my greed this year, and being truly content with what I have.
That doesn’t mean I need to be satisfied with a pair of shoes that have a hole in the sole because, dang it, I have a pair of shoes at least, which is more than some people! No. I can go buy a new pair of shoes. They just don’t have to say Michael Kors on them.
(We had a good run, Michael, but I love baby clothes and new sheets and groceries more than I like your name on my things).
It’s probably not going to be entirely easy. I constantly want, and that’s a battle I have to fight.
But being content isn’t really about never wanting, or never getting. It’s more about being okay with not getting what I want, and not having that pain in my chest because my steering wheel isn’t heated. (It’s embarrassing because it’s for real.)
I want to be content not by feeling like a martyr for choosing the $35 Steve Madden bag at Marshall’s over the $300 MK one I really want (happened in real life yesterday). I want to be content by being satisfied in my heart.
I’m so looking forward to what this year will bring (a little baby boy, for starters!). Bring it, 2015! I’m ready for you.
p.s. I promise to add photos to blog posts again soon.